Empty

Okay, I finally found a word that describes what it feels like, this adrenal fatigue. It is EMPTY. At least that is what it feels like right now ;-) (it can change often)

I am here, buy I don't feel like I am here.

I know I have much to be thankful and am, really, but it just feels so empty.

I am joyful, in a way, deep down, but it still feels empty.

Things that I LOVE, like the snow falling, a fire in the fireplace, my precious children, my awesome husband, well, while I still LOVE them, it just sort of feels empty.

I feel like I am just going through the motions. I miss FEELING things, besides sadness, heaviness and discouragement, that is.

I miss ME! I am usually joyful, vibrant, energetic, chipper, happy, bubbly, positive . . . I miss ME! I miss feeling like I was created.

I don't want to be complaining, really I am not! I am thankful for where I am at. I know it is by His hand and I praise Him for, I really, really do. It is just so hard sometimes. I don't like when I get like this. I like it when I just focus on the right now, which is usually too much, but still gives me something to focus on ;-)

So, for right now, EMPTY and missing ME, that is how I feel.

Lamentations 3:19-33

[O Lord] remember [earnestly] my affliction and my misery, my wandering and my outcast state, the wormwood and the gall.

My soul has them continually in remembrance and is bowed down within me.

But this I recall and therefore have I hope and expectation:

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.

They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.

The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.

The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him [inquire of and for Him and require Him by right of necessity and on the authority of God's word].

It is good that one should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation (the safety and ease) of the Lord.

It is good for a man that he should bear the yoke [of divine disciplinary dealings] in his youth.

Let him sit alone uncomplaining and keeping silent [in hope], because [God] has laid [the yoke] upon him [for his benefit].

Let him put his mouth in the dust [in abject recognition of his unworthiness]--there may yet be hope.

Let him give his cheek to the One Who smites him [even through His human agents]; let him be filled [full] with [men's] reproach [in meekness].

For the Lord will not cast off forever!

But though He causes grief, yet will He be moved to compassion according to the multitude of His loving-kindness and tender mercy.

For He does not willingly and from His heart afflict or grieve the children of men.

Looking forward to new mercies tomorrow! ;-)

Explaining the Name of the Blog

I chose this name for my blog, He makes me lie down . . . a journey of healing because, in part, I feel the Lord has been "making me lie down" in one form or another for many years. I would have to say that He has my attention now.

I believe that part of the reasoning behind this adrenal fatigue is that I do not slow down. It seems like it has been part of the lessons He has been giving me for years. Whether it be slowing down to enjoy my children, only taking on what He has for me, ect.

For a long time my prayer and desire has been to have a calm and undisturbed mind and heart as described in Proverbs 14:30. I know that this verse, for me, answers how to have a strong body as well as God's answer to the stresses of this world.

We hear so much about stress and it's effect on our health. I feel as though the Lord has been showing me that if I have a calm and undisturbed mind and heart I won't be stressed.

Sounds so easy, doesn't it? Not! It looks good on paper, but how to flesh this out every day?! How to run this household, disciple these children, love my husband, be a friend, a daughter, all this with a calm and undisturbed mind???

So, back to the name, I feel like this adrenal fatigue is God's way to 'make' me lie down. To quiet me long enough to hear what He has been saying, to answer my prayers and desires that my busyness and plowing through has made it hard to hear.

I have been crying out to Him even more than usual lately, not just because it is the only thing I can do ;-), but because I DO NOT want to be the same when this is all said and done! I want to be different. I want to slow down. I want to listen to His voice, not my own. I want to be completely surrendered to His will. Content and at peace with where He has me, not where I wish I was or doing what I want to do, but His will.

I cannot even begin to explain how so many of my desires and prayers are answered in what I believe He is showing me through all of this. He has stripped me of all ability to 'fight' Him anymore. Last Sunday while taking a nap I cried out to Him and said, "I'm done, I mean it, You win!" I felt as though He must of sighed and whispered, "finally."