Update 10/16/09

It has been a long time since I updated and a lot has happened. The first week in October was a horrible week as far as the depression goes. Brian was very concerned and very weary. He called my friend and mom for prayer and was having a hard time holding back the tears. I think my hormones were all over the place as we now know that my baby probably died that week. Here is the post about our miscarriage.

Sad News . . .
Last Thursday (10/8/09), in about a 2 1/2 hour time frame, we found out that I was 10-12 weeks pregnant, that the baby had died, and I delivered him/her. It was quite shocking to us and we were, and are at times stunned.

I was spotting off and on for about a week and a half, which we thought was my cycle starting up again, as they had stopped in the middle of this adrenal exhaustion, or so we thought. I did take a pregnancy test in August, which was negative. According to how far along I was, it should have been positive. (I have never had a false negative pregnancy test, and I have taken a ton ;-)

Thursday morning I was on my way to the grocery store when I had a strong urge to go to the bathroom. (We also thought I had been dealing with a bladder infection during this time) I went and was still uncomfortable, but proceeded with what I needed to get. About 4 aisles over, the pain, which felt like my bladder, got pretty bad and I thought I should probably go home. At that time, I felt a huge pop and preceded to bleed everywhere. For some reason I thought maybe I passed a kidney stone, which I supposedly have. I made a beeline for the back bathroom, leaving a trail behind me. Not one of the more glorious moments of being a woman. ;-)

I was able to have cellphone reception, (which is usually sketchy, at best, in this store) and called my dear husband. He came and bought me pads and underwear. Thank God I had a skirt on, pants would have been a nightmare. We left the store after several trips back to the bathroom, as I was bleeding profusely.

On the way home, it hit me that the 'pop' I felt was just like what I felt with my 7th child, the only other one with whom my water broke. And then I realized that the 'blood trail' looked watered down. The shock of realizing that I must have been pregnant was, well, shocking.
We got home and because the bleeding was so bad, we called my midwife, who instructed us to come in and she would check me and run some tests. When we got there, she examined me and found that the baby had already started to deliver, she just helped it along. She cried with us. She has been such a big part of the birth of our last five baby's births.

After some blood work, we went home to rest. As I lie there trying to rest with my mind swirling with prayers and questions, one thing welled up in my heart so big. I believe this baby was a gift from God. I also believe He gave me the gift of joy that afternoon. You see, I realized that each and every pregnancy in the past was greatly rejoiced over and I was determined, by His grace, that this was not going to be any different! I chose right then and there to rejoice over this precious little one, even though this baby had died. I rejoiced in the fact that God chose me to carry this little one, if only for a short time. I believe this joy was a gift from Him, there is no way a women in my condition physically and emotionally could do that in her own strength, trust me. He is so amazing and kind to give joy to a confused and grieving mama. I guess you can truly say that He has 'made me a joyful mother of children'. I am humbled and marvel at His love for me.

Even now as I type this out it seems so unbelievable to me. How does a woman who has been pregnant 14 times previous to this not know she was pregnant? The negative pregnancy test and the extreme extenuating health circumstances played a huge part, I know. We also believe, for some reason, I was not meant to know about this until that day. Where we don't understand, we can only trust.
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