Okay, I finally found a word that describes what it feels like, this adrenal fatigue. It is EMPTY. At least that is what it feels like right now ;-) (it can change often)
I am here, buy I don't feel like I am here.
I know I have much to be thankful and am, really, but it just feels so empty.
I am joyful, in a way, deep down, but it still feels empty.
Things that I LOVE, like the snow falling, a fire in the fireplace, my precious children, my awesome husband, well, while I still LOVE them, it just sort of feels empty.
I feel like I am just going through the motions. I miss FEELING things, besides sadness, heaviness and discouragement, that is.
I miss ME! I am usually joyful, vibrant, energetic, chipper, happy, bubbly, positive . . . I miss ME! I miss feeling like I was created.
I don't want to be complaining, really I am not! I am thankful for where I am at. I know it is by His hand and I praise Him for, I really, really do. It is just so hard sometimes. I don't like when I get like this. I like it when I just focus on the right now, which is usually too much, but still gives me something to focus on ;-)
So, for right now, EMPTY and missing ME, that is how I feel.
Lamentations 3:19-33
[O Lord] remember [earnestly] my affliction and my misery, my wandering and my outcast state, the wormwood and the gall.
My soul has them continually in remembrance and is bowed down within me.
But this I recall and therefore have I hope and expectation:
It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.
They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion or share, says my living being (my inner self); therefore will I hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him.
The Lord is good to those who wait hopefully and expectantly for Him, to those who seek Him [inquire of and for Him and require Him by right of necessity and on the authority of God's word].
It is good that one should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation (the safety and ease) of the Lord.
It is good for a man that he should bear the yoke [of divine disciplinary dealings] in his youth.
Let him sit alone uncomplaining and keeping silent [in hope], because [God] has laid [the yoke] upon him [for his benefit].
Let him put his mouth in the dust [in abject recognition of his unworthiness]--there may yet be hope.
Let him give his cheek to the One Who smites him [even through His human agents]; let him be filled [full] with [men's] reproach [in meekness].
For the Lord will not cast off forever!
But though He causes grief, yet will He be moved to compassion according to the multitude of His loving-kindness and tender mercy.
For He does not willingly and from His heart afflict or grieve the children of men.
Looking forward to new mercies tomorrow! ;-)
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Christmas With Adrenal Fatigue
This past Christmas was a little different than most years. I cut way back on what "needed" do be done. Truth be told, though, as a Mama, there is still a lot I am responsible for, especially during the holidays!
I was caught off guard a little. Because I have been feeling a little better, I think I just thought I could go about business as usual (even with a reduction in the 'things to do' list) I was wrong. Also, the week before Christmas I ran out of L-Tryptophan, one of the supplements that I take. I stubbornly refused to buy more because I am getting weary of needing so many supplements and the cost is bugging me. On top of that, at what point do I just totally rely on Christ as my healer and strength! Notice, it wasn't a "Spirit-led" decision to stop the supplements?
Each night I would tell Brian something doesn't feel right. I felt like I was 'slipping' somehow. It wasn't until I totally crashed emotionally one night that he realized it had been a week without the tryptophan. We did go out the next day and buy some. ;-) When I told my doctor, he said, "when you need tryptophan, you need it." So next time I shouldn't be so foolish and rash.
It is hard to explain how the holidays felt with adrenal fatigue, but I will try. I have excitement and joy inside, though not as much as usual, but it just doesn't seem to come out. I don't have the energy to muster up excitement. It was like watching the holidays happen through a foggy lens. I was thankful and realized how unbelievably blessed we are, but it just sort of feels 'muted' or stifled somehow.
I wanted to be excited and joyful for the children's sake. They were so excited. They love to give more than receive. I just sort of felt like a bump on the log some of the time.
Brian and the children did SO much of what needed to be done. I am so thankful. Even with doing way less and them doing so much, it was still too much. How is this????
It was a special time, just a subdued special time. Does that make sense?
BTW, the tryptophan has seemed to 'right the ship' some. I take 1- 500 mg in the morning and 2- 500 mg before bed. I don't think tryptophan is the cure all, but it has helped some. I still marvel at the exhaustion at times.
Oh, and I realized that I was doing WAY too much for exercise and have since cut back again. It is hard not to get into the let's lose inches/pounds mode and stay in healing and restoring mode. Exercise is extremely beneficial to adrenal fatigue, but it needs to be moderate. Probably something most adrenal fatigue people know little about, moderation that is. ;-) I do believe part of me feeling somewhat better the past 3-4 weeks is directly related to exercising again. T-Tapp is my exercise of choice. It is amazing!!!!!
I was caught off guard a little. Because I have been feeling a little better, I think I just thought I could go about business as usual (even with a reduction in the 'things to do' list) I was wrong. Also, the week before Christmas I ran out of L-Tryptophan, one of the supplements that I take. I stubbornly refused to buy more because I am getting weary of needing so many supplements and the cost is bugging me. On top of that, at what point do I just totally rely on Christ as my healer and strength! Notice, it wasn't a "Spirit-led" decision to stop the supplements?
Each night I would tell Brian something doesn't feel right. I felt like I was 'slipping' somehow. It wasn't until I totally crashed emotionally one night that he realized it had been a week without the tryptophan. We did go out the next day and buy some. ;-) When I told my doctor, he said, "when you need tryptophan, you need it." So next time I shouldn't be so foolish and rash.
It is hard to explain how the holidays felt with adrenal fatigue, but I will try. I have excitement and joy inside, though not as much as usual, but it just doesn't seem to come out. I don't have the energy to muster up excitement. It was like watching the holidays happen through a foggy lens. I was thankful and realized how unbelievably blessed we are, but it just sort of feels 'muted' or stifled somehow.
I wanted to be excited and joyful for the children's sake. They were so excited. They love to give more than receive. I just sort of felt like a bump on the log some of the time.
Brian and the children did SO much of what needed to be done. I am so thankful. Even with doing way less and them doing so much, it was still too much. How is this????
It was a special time, just a subdued special time. Does that make sense?
BTW, the tryptophan has seemed to 'right the ship' some. I take 1- 500 mg in the morning and 2- 500 mg before bed. I don't think tryptophan is the cure all, but it has helped some. I still marvel at the exhaustion at times.
Oh, and I realized that I was doing WAY too much for exercise and have since cut back again. It is hard not to get into the let's lose inches/pounds mode and stay in healing and restoring mode. Exercise is extremely beneficial to adrenal fatigue, but it needs to be moderate. Probably something most adrenal fatigue people know little about, moderation that is. ;-) I do believe part of me feeling somewhat better the past 3-4 weeks is directly related to exercising again. T-Tapp is my exercise of choice. It is amazing!!!!!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
December 10, 2009 Update
Wow! It has been a long time! Many are asking, so I thought I would update.
First of all, let me say that I have never been more in love with Christ as I have these past few months. I thought I loved Him passionately and knew Him well. My love for Him has only grown deeper. He has carried me, loved me, spoken to me, lovingly chastised me, let me beat my fists on His breast, held me while I cried (a lot!)
I have this sense that I have so much to learn, but have also learned so much. I have been humbled and awed by this time of affliction. I am in awe of Him and His mercy. I am in awe of the depth of my depravity apart from His grace (which I am glad is not my burden to bear ;-) I am receiving a deeper lesson into His grace, who I am in Him, but even more of Whom it is that is IN ME!
Oh, I love Him so . . .
More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!
Hear Thou the prayer I make on bended knee.
This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest;
Now Thee alone I seek, give what is best.
This all my prayer shall be: More love, O Christ to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
Let sorrow do its work, come grief or pain;
Sweet are Thy messengers, sweet their refrain,
When they can sing with me: More love, O Christ, to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
Then shall my latest breath whisper Thy praise;
This be the parting cry my heart shall raise;
This still its prayer shall be: More love, O Christ to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
Okay, now the physical ;-)
I am doing better, especially when you compare to where I was. It is hard to see when you look at the day-to-day, but when you look at the big picture, it looks way better. I am stronger, have more stamina, cry way, way less, am slightly more rational (some may question that one). I have been making almost all of our dinners, and most lunches. The ability to think and figure things out like the old me is slowly coming back, but very slowly. It doesn't take much to overwhelm me if I have to figure something out. Brian still does most of thinking around here, which is probably good! I was even able to add in our morning devotion circle time this week. I have been exercising again since November first. Sometime I am going to have to tell you how much T-Tapp has done for me since February, but not now. It is slow going, and I need to continually remind myself that I am working at restoring and rebuilding not going all out like a crazy woman, like in the past!
I listen to my body more and am much more gentle with myself.
I am still on the same supplements, nothing more except some pituitary support has been needed, which is a blessing. I am praying about slowly backing off of my doctor appointments as the Lord has been revisiting Divine Healing with me and relying on Him for my health. I will do so prayerfully and only as I feel led of the Spirit. One thought that sticks in my 'craw' is that we have had to 100 percent go into debt to pay for my medical care this year as none of the appointments or supplements are covered by the excellent insurance we pay an arm and a leg for ;-) If seeking medical help is from God, wouldn't He supply for it?? Or, maybe the banks generosity in loaning us money is His provision, something sounds fishy about that one. (Not looking for answers on this, I know God will lead and provide, just thinking out loud) I also know that I was so bad and was not led in any other way, so I am not fretting over this, again, just thinking.
Oh, and I have noticed that I am happier! This is huge, because I really am a happy, thankful person, it just hasn't showed much the last five months. Oh, my, it is one week short of FIVE months that this has been going on. No wonder it seems so wearisome. A couple of days this week I almost felt 'hyper' on the inside, in a good way. I think it was just a sense of well being that I have not had in a long time. I still crash, though not as hard or as frequently. I am still not sleeping well and have totally given that up to God, only He can make it happen as far as I am concerned. I have tried everything I know.
I have lost most of the extra weight that came on fiercely in the past six weeks. My doctor attributes that to my pituitary and thyroid 'tanking'. The weight shouldn't have been that big of a deal, but the Lord did indeed use it to bring up some serious issues in my mind and heart that needed to be dealt with and healed. Man, am I a work in process or what? I know, I know, we all are.
I am telling you, this was/is a huge thing He has brought (is bringing) me through. I marvel at how much is being dealt with. Obviously, He is not about wasting anything! ;-)
So, that sums it up, I think. If any of you who are struggling with adrenal issues I would be glad to answer specific questions. I can only share my experience, I am not expert. Please feel free to contact me, I have the utmost of compassion for your struggles, trust me ;-)
I cannot thank you enough for all your prayers and support! I am overwhelmed with the love from the Body of Christ. Thank you, thank you, thank you! If I could, I would hug you all and give you a fresh baked loaf of bread that I was allowed to bake today!! Really, I would!
First of all, let me say that I have never been more in love with Christ as I have these past few months. I thought I loved Him passionately and knew Him well. My love for Him has only grown deeper. He has carried me, loved me, spoken to me, lovingly chastised me, let me beat my fists on His breast, held me while I cried (a lot!)
I have this sense that I have so much to learn, but have also learned so much. I have been humbled and awed by this time of affliction. I am in awe of Him and His mercy. I am in awe of the depth of my depravity apart from His grace (which I am glad is not my burden to bear ;-) I am receiving a deeper lesson into His grace, who I am in Him, but even more of Whom it is that is IN ME!
Oh, I love Him so . . .
More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!
Hear Thou the prayer I make on bended knee.
This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest;
Now Thee alone I seek, give what is best.
This all my prayer shall be: More love, O Christ to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
Let sorrow do its work, come grief or pain;
Sweet are Thy messengers, sweet their refrain,
When they can sing with me: More love, O Christ, to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
Then shall my latest breath whisper Thy praise;
This be the parting cry my heart shall raise;
This still its prayer shall be: More love, O Christ to Thee;
More love to Thee, more love to Thee!
Okay, now the physical ;-)
I am doing better, especially when you compare to where I was. It is hard to see when you look at the day-to-day, but when you look at the big picture, it looks way better. I am stronger, have more stamina, cry way, way less, am slightly more rational (some may question that one). I have been making almost all of our dinners, and most lunches. The ability to think and figure things out like the old me is slowly coming back, but very slowly. It doesn't take much to overwhelm me if I have to figure something out. Brian still does most of thinking around here, which is probably good! I was even able to add in our morning devotion circle time this week. I have been exercising again since November first. Sometime I am going to have to tell you how much T-Tapp has done for me since February, but not now. It is slow going, and I need to continually remind myself that I am working at restoring and rebuilding not going all out like a crazy woman, like in the past!
I listen to my body more and am much more gentle with myself.
I am still on the same supplements, nothing more except some pituitary support has been needed, which is a blessing. I am praying about slowly backing off of my doctor appointments as the Lord has been revisiting Divine Healing with me and relying on Him for my health. I will do so prayerfully and only as I feel led of the Spirit. One thought that sticks in my 'craw' is that we have had to 100 percent go into debt to pay for my medical care this year as none of the appointments or supplements are covered by the excellent insurance we pay an arm and a leg for ;-) If seeking medical help is from God, wouldn't He supply for it?? Or, maybe the banks generosity in loaning us money is His provision, something sounds fishy about that one. (Not looking for answers on this, I know God will lead and provide, just thinking out loud) I also know that I was so bad and was not led in any other way, so I am not fretting over this, again, just thinking.
Oh, and I have noticed that I am happier! This is huge, because I really am a happy, thankful person, it just hasn't showed much the last five months. Oh, my, it is one week short of FIVE months that this has been going on. No wonder it seems so wearisome. A couple of days this week I almost felt 'hyper' on the inside, in a good way. I think it was just a sense of well being that I have not had in a long time. I still crash, though not as hard or as frequently. I am still not sleeping well and have totally given that up to God, only He can make it happen as far as I am concerned. I have tried everything I know.
I have lost most of the extra weight that came on fiercely in the past six weeks. My doctor attributes that to my pituitary and thyroid 'tanking'. The weight shouldn't have been that big of a deal, but the Lord did indeed use it to bring up some serious issues in my mind and heart that needed to be dealt with and healed. Man, am I a work in process or what? I know, I know, we all are.
I am telling you, this was/is a huge thing He has brought (is bringing) me through. I marvel at how much is being dealt with. Obviously, He is not about wasting anything! ;-)
So, that sums it up, I think. If any of you who are struggling with adrenal issues I would be glad to answer specific questions. I can only share my experience, I am not expert. Please feel free to contact me, I have the utmost of compassion for your struggles, trust me ;-)
I cannot thank you enough for all your prayers and support! I am overwhelmed with the love from the Body of Christ. Thank you, thank you, thank you! If I could, I would hug you all and give you a fresh baked loaf of bread that I was allowed to bake today!! Really, I would!
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